Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
