Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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