i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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