I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize
