Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
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