There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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