Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
