DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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