actually, I'm a sock model
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
i used baking grease as lip gloss
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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