last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
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