Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
