Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
