So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
