he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
