I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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