I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
