I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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