I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
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