I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
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