well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
