i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
