I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
