I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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