Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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