This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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