some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
