I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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