I skipped work to stalk him.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
