I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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