there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
