I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
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