whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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