But honestly u used to be a cool guy and lately uve been superame(734): Superlame
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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