On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
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