Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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