I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
A+ Viking dick
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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