I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
