My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
