Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
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