i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize