If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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