I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
as a side note pls kill me
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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