I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
