I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
