you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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