you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
there is another microwave in the elevator.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
