To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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