You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
