I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
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