A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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