I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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