Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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