i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize