I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize