we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Boobs speak an international language.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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