Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
