I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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