Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
My room smells like vodka and shame
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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